Alice Catherine Alice Catherine

I thought I’d share a journal style post with you today. Whenever I’m going through something new or challenging that makes me feel anxious or numb in some way – I try to ‘write it out’ in the hope that processing it on the page or screen in front of me, will also help me process it mentally. I’ve been recording my thoughts a little each day and then adding to it throughout the week and it’s really been helping me just bring everything to the surface.

As much as I want to create content that’s distracting and positive – I also don’t want to pretend that that’s how I’m feeling every moment of every day. My emotions have all over the place over the past few weeks, and I think it feels important to me to share those more raw moments if I can. I know a lot of you will be feeling the same, so I hope that sharing these ‘diary style’ posts every now and then will keep us connected…

This week has felt hard. Lots of pottering about the flat, not sure where to focus my attention and feeling pretty helpless. I keep trying to distract myself with work but then find myself obsessively cleaning or staring out the window instead. It’s funny, I can almost convince myself that’s it’s all some sort of weird nightmare at certain times throughout the day. I see people walking their dogs or the postman approaching – normality.

I’ve been trying to get out once a day whilst we are still allowed to. I’ll go for a long walk by the canal – the sun has been out this week which is lovely but also feels quite cruel. The first proper sunshine in such a long time, but I feel guilty for being outside and enjoying it for that one moment per day. Then someone approaches in the distance, wearing a mask, keeping their recommended 2ft away – a reminder that this is the new normal for now. My heart sinks a bit and my chest tightens. I want to badly to stare up at the endless blue skies and for all of this to fade away around me. I don’t want to back away from people as they approach me – as though each person is now a threat, and not a new chance for a conversation or friendly exchange…

I don’t feel so panicked anymore, just a strong sense of uneasiness. I guess feel uncomfortable – sort of like being homesick and there’s no guarantee of walking up your own driveway and seeing the lights on in the front room anytime soon. I think I feel uncomfortable because all of this has made me realise that I’ve been complacent for a long time – masking thoughts and feelings with tasks and endless ‘To Do’ lists. I’ve covered up the noise in my head with ‘living life’ the best way I know how, and now there’s nothing to focus on but the noise that’s been exposed. Issues I haven’t been dealing with properly have risen to the surface and it seems like I have all the time in the world to dwell on fixing them – and yet I don’t want to. I’m not ready to.

It’s hard to be online too much – a place that feels somewhere between offering comfort and making me feel more overwhelmed. For many people, this time at home has already turned into varying levels of boot camp and intimidating productivity. If the best you can do today Is breathe, then that’s fine too.

There’s also lots of things I’ve agonised over lately that suddenly don’t seem so significant anymore. What content to post? What’s the next step in my career? Will I ever have the house and the children I’ve imagined? There’s been a huge shift in my attention and only the immediate needs of each day seem to matter. I find myself looking forward to the small parts that make up the fabric of each day – cooking dinner, changing the bedding, going for an evening walk just as the sun is setting…

It’s enough just to be human right now.

Photographs taken by me at home – 27.03.2020

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  1. catherine says:

    thanks for sharing your thoughts! i’ve definitely been feeling overwhelmed lately with all the news and adjusting to working from home and have been just trying to remember to breathe and remember that we will get through this. sending love xx

    1. alicecatherine says:

      We will! And we will be more stronger and more resilient for it. Sending lots of love back xx

  2. Isabel says:

    I can totally relate of that discomfort, of being reminded how things are not normal anymore… and to suddenly feeling like everything else I cared so much about before are now… unimportant?
    Going outside is good for your soul, don’t feel guilty for doing it. If you’re not too close to anybody, you are good.


    1. alicecatherine says:

      Definitely, it’s such a weird feeling isn’t it? It’s made me dwell so much on what I do for a living and whether I’m making it fulfilling enough on a deeper level. I’ve never felt more helpless and like my job is all just a ‘bit stupid’ but I think these are normal thoughts to be having right now. Normal life won’t always be polluted by a global health pandemic and I think that’s important to keep reminding ourselves. The little ‘unimportant’ things are just taking a backseat right now xxx

  3. Jess says:

    I totally get you! Every now and then I just keep thinking this is a dream or a conspiracy, it definitely doesn’t feel real. Day to day I swing from “This will be over soon” and seeing some of the comedy sides to our daily lives (limited and few and far between), to “We’re all going to die”. I feel like I have literally no choice over which I wake up feeling either. I’m not jumping on the at-home productivity train… I don’t have the will power. 🙂 Stay safe x

    1. alicecatherine says:

      Totally with you! It doesn’t feel real at all – retrospect is going to be such a powerful thing after all of this is over and ‘normal’ life resumes. It feels a bit impossible right now for it not to set the tone of each day, but I’m just trying to cut myself some slack and just do whatever feels right to me each day. I also don’t have the will power ha! Not sure who these magical people are that are already getting up for 8am live classes everyday but I will absolutely be staying in bed ha xx

  4. I’m also not really sure where to focus my attention. Everyday feels like a new sea of emotions – it doesn’t feel real. I’m trying to just take each day as it comes and just feel whatever I’m feeling in those up and down moments. All my love to you Alice xxx

    1. alicecatherine says:

      I’m totally the same – I feel like if there was a clear ‘end date’ then I’d feel so much more settled/it would generally be easier to process. It’s just all so completely new and unknown isn’t it. So much love to you as always xxx

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